Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt underappreciated? Not just in romantic relationships, but in any relationship. (I think we tend to teach people how to interact with us in similar ways, regardless of the type of relationship.) Do you feel like nothing you do makes them feel better? Are you asking yourself “Where’s the love?”
Pay attention!
One person can be expressing their love or affection, but the other person isn’t aware of it. Sometimes it’s because we just aren’t paying attention. It’s easy to overlook those messages when we’re focused on other things. We can even just expect certain things and take it for granted when they happen.
Meh…
Sometimes that particular form of affection isn’t meaningful to us. We all have favorite ways of showing affection and ways we prefer to receive it. Gary Chapman talks about this in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
What is meaningful?
One of my favorite gifts of all time was when my family divided into teams and washed all the windows for me for the holidays. It took time and effort on their part, it really needed to be done, it looked great when they finished, it saved me time and either money or effort, and I REALLY appreciated it.
What isn’t?
On the other hand, when people give me gifts it isn’t as meaningful to me. I’m often the same way about compliments. Unless what is said has useful information for me, like I look good in a particular outfit or color, they often don’t mean much to me. Sometimes people say very nice things to me and I’m more confused than anything else. If I would pay attention, I would realize that if they are giving me compliments, they probably enjoy receiving them. It can be a big clue to notice how the other person shows affection so you can start trying to “speak” that language a little more to them.
Maybe it’s something else.
Sometimes we have discomfort or disbelief when love or affection are offered to us in a particular way. That’s when you’ve probably got subconscious beliefs coming into play. You can have a scarcity of time mentality which makes it challenging to spend time with someone and give them your undivided attention. Even though you know that’s what they would like. Or you may feel uncomfortable when people do favors for you. If you tend to “over-reciprocate” (pay it back quickly and do even more), there may be some self-worth beliefs causing the unease.
How do you know?
I have a video series exploring various love languages and how those subconscious beliefs can make it hard to speak some of them. The videos are pertinent to any relationship that’s important to us – not just romantic ones. The more languages you can speak, the better able you are to let the other person know that they are important to you. To learn more about this series, go here.
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