Are your boundaries weak?

Last year, one of my blog posts was about boundaries. The topic keeps coming up for me though, so let’s explore that a little more. In an article by Hailey Magee called How to Step Agreeing to Things That Aren’t Good for You, she gave examples of what not having the boundaries you deserve feels like and ways to establish proactive boundaries. Some of her examples might sound very familiar as we come out of a holiday season.

Holiday Burn-Out

While 2020 may not have felt as busy socially as other years, there were additional and unique items on our to-do lists. How many of you felt overwhelmed getting presents delivered that you normally would exchange in person? Or were you the one making the celebrations meaningful and still keeping everyone safe? If you could gather together, were you the one who felt responsible for making the event better than you normally would, in order to compensate for the smaller group? These might be examples of overpromising that Ms. Magee shared in her article. Overpromising is a form of people-pleasing and it can show up in all facets of your life – where you feel obligated to do more than you are comfortable doing. Overpromising can stress you out.

Why does this happen?

Frequently, people overpromise if they feel that the happiness of others is more important than their own well-being. This could happen for a variety of reasons. A partial list could include:

• Growing up in a family where expectations included you catering to family members. For example, did the women in your family plan and serve all of the meals? Were they expected to arrange their schedules to accommodate those of the men in the house? If so, you probably have that model established in your beliefs even if you don’t consciously agree with this patriarchal set-up.
• Growing up in a family where you didn’t feel safe. Overpromising could be a leftover behavior acquired at a young age to keep everyone happy so that you weren’t in danger.
• Feeling unloved. There are so many reasons a child can grow up believing they are unloved. They compensate by trying to win love through perfectionism and control. They overdeliver for the ones they love to win their love in return.

Is it really that big of a deal?

People-pleasing can be emotionally and physically damaging, but the thought of setting boundaries can be just as upsetting. You can second guess whether you are really doing too much and worry that you are just being selfish to want time and space for yourself. You can feel physical stress reactions when you even think about saying no or trying to negotiate a more balanced lifestyle. Most people want to think of themselves as good and helpful, so setting boundaries can feel self-centered.

How could you change this?

When I see clients who are working on situations like those mentioned above, we work with the stressful emotions first, and then get to more specific beliefs. Frequently, we start with beliefs that include loving themselves first and it being okay to be a priority in their own life. Some of the transformations have been dramatic!

If you need help establishing boundaries so that you can live a more balanced life, book a session with me here. I’d be happy to assist.