People frequently ask about changing their beliefs and the impact it will have on their relationships. We tend to focus on the other person’s role in difficult situations, so it can be challenging to understand that how we’re showing up is the real root problem. Sometimes we have expectations about relationships that aren’t realistic, as this article by Eva Taylor Grant explains. Further compounding the issue is that we can’t see our unconscious beliefs—we can only see the outcome of these beliefs as evidence that something is going on underneath. This exact situation arose with two of my clients. Both were in relationships where they didn’t feel appreciated, loved, supported, or attractive to their partners. They felt that they were often criticized.
Focus on What You Want
With each woman, our session began by them talking about what they would rather experience instead of focusing on what was happening. We came up with goal statements about deserving a loving and supportive relationship, confidence that they are attractive to their partners, and that it was okay to be themselves. As is my custom, I recommended a few statements or affirmations about self-love, because I believe it’s hard to trust that someone else loves you if you don’t love yourself first.
So—similar situations and similar intentions. You would expect similar outcomes, right? That’s not what happened.
Same Problem—Different Outcomes
With one client, the issues in the relationship got resolved and she is very happy with how her husband is responding differently to her. With the other, unfortunately, the differences became clearer and they ended up separating. While ending the relationship wasn’t the intended goal, she does have less stress in her life, feels better about herself, and is hopeful for a more rewarding relationship in her future.
Why would they have different results? I have my theories. When a person rewrites beliefs, their behaviors and responses can change. They send off a different “vibe.” They also can perceive the actions of others differently.
In the first situation, my hypothesis is that the combination of feeling better about herself and reacting differently to her husband’s behavior caused her husband to respond differently, and they were able to re-establish a healthy relationship. In the second situation, once my client had more self-esteem, her partner was no longer a good match with this new sense of self. They came to a mutual understanding that the relationship wasn’t in the best interest of either of them. In both cases, my clients changed a big source of stress in their lives and feel happier and more confident about themselves.
Let’s Connect
If these situations sound familiar to you, do you want to make a change? If so, you can book a session with me here. And if you are a life coach or relationship coach, do you have clients that are stuck? Schedule a virtual coffee with me here and let’s talk about how I can help you help them.
Leave a Reply